It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
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This is a bad sign
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*serious situation*
My brain:
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house