It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.