It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color