It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
yeah no that’s fair