It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Cake!!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
shut up and take my money