It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
This will never not be funny 😭
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.