“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
⛄️
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.