It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Noted.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.