It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
yeet
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.