It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: Accept your flaws. You鈥檒l feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
There鈥檚 so much going on 馃槀馃槀馃槀
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn鈥檛 even smile
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I鈥檓 about to turn?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like