It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.