Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.