It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
i dont have time for this
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
i’m still crying at this
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
my mind
You just read my mind
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole