It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The point of your 20s
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak