It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
You Might Also Like
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Has there ever been a more American story?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.