It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.