It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
This 4th of July, please remember…
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
#oldknees
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out