It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.