It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.