It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I know
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.