It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.