It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
They also CAN sing✌️