its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
You Might Also Like
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I cannot stop laughing at this
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park