wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..