It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Everyone’s family
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!