It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me