it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table