It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Unexpected Judgment
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
But is it really??
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.