It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]