it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You Might Also Like
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
peak technology
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.