Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.