it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
7: You guys are being weird again.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”
Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.
I’m here all week😬
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.