Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

I didn’t come here to be called names

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you