@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

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@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@IHLaking

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@osigat

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

@Brianhopecomedy

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@rachiecandice

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

@ch000ch

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

@CruisinSoozan

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.