My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.