It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Hard not to take this personally
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.