It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
groan^2
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
❤️🦆