@ActivistActive

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

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@WheelTod

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

@SortaBad

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

@meganamram

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

@mattZillaaaa

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

@TheBoydP

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@ClassicMegan

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.