It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]