It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.
For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost 拢1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Wolverine鈥檚 mom: If you鈥檙e going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he鈥檚 so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
friend: [texting] i鈥檓 gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here鈥檚 someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
It鈥檚 interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they鈥檙e the most resistant
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can鈥檛 solve
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Now they’ll never find me…馃槀馃槒馃惢
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka鈥檚 maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let鈥檚 all remember to stay alive, ok?
鈥攎y 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That鈥檚 normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.