It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic