It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

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We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.


My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!


If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.


To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.


I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.


Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.


My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.


Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?


People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!