It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?