It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.