It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.