It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier