It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
You Might Also Like
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
2022 will be better than 2021
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.