It’s an epidemic…
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I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
He’s cranky this morning
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing