It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.