It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
life finds a way
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.