“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol