It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Owl Sanctuary