It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers