It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
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If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Hard not to take this personally
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.