It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.