It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!