“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA