Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Animal poetry

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

The Backseat Boys

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”