It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?